a crisis like no other

the morning i received the news that my mother was unwell and was in the hospital, i felt that same uneasy grip on my stomach when i had giardia. i felt like my bowels would turn and do a pirouette. it felt like the news you have been dreading -- you know it is going to happen -- but you just don't want to hear it.

a couple of years ago, i have had that same feeling when i heard that my father had a stroke. i was in malawi, just about finishing 6 months of endless work (that is another story). i was stressed, burnt out and was up to my heels with the slightest call of leaving the country. as soon as i heard that news, i immediately packed my bags and left for iloilo. it was the most casual departure from a project i ever had. there were no goodbyes, no sad tears and no exchange of email addresses.

anyway, upon arriving in iloilo, i was attacked by my family (my father's family, actually). i was accused of being irresponsible and uncaring, arrogant and without a heart. i could have said that i was running a hospital for people with hiv/aids and displaced people in africa, but i just kept mum about it. what's the use? i think i should not dwell about this here -- i have moved on.

so when i heard the news that my mother was sick, the thoughts of my family attacking me again came rushing through. Me, being the only doctor in the family -- is so far away serving other people when i could be serving my family. guilt. guilt. guilt.

i remember a long time ago, when one of my mentors said: "you can choose your friends, but not your family." this has been so true in my case. sad, but true. i can't deny the fact, however, that despite the misdemeanors and mistakes that we all have, they are still my family.

my mother is well now. recuperating and enjoying the company of her sons and grandchildren. she encourages me to continue my work. she is proud of what i am doing and what i have achieved. and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

i could go around the world knowing that i have my mother's love.