A-tinggling we will go....

A couple of days ago, while taking a long ride from the field to the office, one of the guys started to ask about the efficacy of viagra on young men. Being the know-it-all that I am, I started my lamentation on the abuse of this drug and the side effects it would cause. I also volunteered some information about Cialis (which by the way you can buy over the counter, without prescription in a lot of countries in Asia)and got some curious georges asking more about it.

And the story winded on to some more sex and me being too polite to tell them, I wanted to sleep, I give in to the endless barrage of questions.

And then I asked: Do you know about the clitoris?

Blank faces - innocence personified.

Apparently, a lot of men all over the world do not know where the love button is!

And I asked further: So what is it that you do? Just huff and puff and blow the house down?

Sex is a funny topic. It gets everyone interested, curious and even downright eager. But when it comes to the mechanics of things, some gets lost in the action and not with the parts associated with it (the act, dummy).

And when I got more puzzled look, I just yawned and closed my eyes. Enough for today's class.

Mid Life Attacks 5: Sexual Closure

It was a long Saturday afternoon and the sun had been painfully hot. All of us were sitting in the balcony where every now and then, a breeze would come. I was reading Haruki Murakami's Wild Sheep Chase with a beer in one hand. The rest were just lounging around, wasting time.

"I decided I am going to be celibate while I am here," she said.

This is my friend from Ethiopia making a conclusion. She was having a hard time adjusting to her new surroundings - the desert and the endless sky, plus the hot whiff of air in the afternoons. Of course, the donkeys are not helping either.

"For me to survive in a desperate setting like this, I would have to concentrate on work," she continued. "Maybe I'll have to take up a new hobby"

"That's a good idea. I have some poster paints and paper, if you are interested in painting..." I volunteered.

"I have some knick knacks if you want to make bracelets and necklaces. " said the nurse from the other project who came for a visit.

"Let's go shopping," said another.

"Thanks, but I decided I will try gardening..." she retorted.

"That is very good. You not only entertain yourself but you give something back to the earth." I said. "I find gardening to be very rewarding." I know because I have several pots of herbs growing outside of my window, several pots of flowers and cacti on the balcony - an effort I started a couple of months ago.

"What sort of plants will you be planting?" Asked someone.

"Oh, you know... those long things. Eggplants, cucumbers, gourds. Long things."

Oh, oh... Freudian slip.

We fell silent. I started to bury my head into the book I was reading, secretly hoping that dinner would not be eggplant.

Beam me up, Scottie.

Mid Life Attacks 4: Guiltless Sex

And so it was that the topics during dinner, wander not far from the usual talks of sex and relationships. I could have sworn that the chillis and the pepper in the Manipuri food could have caused the super hot discussions. Of course it does not dwell on sex per se, but hovers around it. Funny, because since we started on talking about basically anything with relation to sex, I kind of looked forward to dinner!

I remember one particular conversation with a friend, whilst I was in Ethiopia. She's young and smart and just so happened that, she finished a relationship before coming for a mission.

“It’s not just about sex, you know,” my friend started. “It’s about having an intimate contact with someone you care for, someone you love.”

Uh-hm. I tried to swallow my food hard and fast coz this was the first time I have heard her talk about sex....

“Of course, it’s inevitable that sometimes you meet someone hot and zing! Morals aside, you find yourself in bed with this guy you don’t even know who,” she continued.

“What do you mean inevitable?” Asked someone from the far end.

“You know, hot guy + alcohol, or not so-hot guy + alcohol and more alcohol, equals sex. Guiltless sex”

“And this happens every time?”

“Not really…Like once a week when I’m in Europe.”

It was here that I interjected. In between munching the chicken and saying a point, I waved my hand like I wanted the teacher to notice me.

“If it’s not about sex and it’s about having an intimate contact with the one you love, then what is this about alcohol and hot guy thing, coz you have, definitely --- lost me there!” I said.

Quiet.

“If you truly care for your partner, then just the mere act of kissing someone would give you a bazonka of guilt trip!” I added.

And then she said: “Shut up you fucking moron. I am trying to think here…”

I continued: “Did your brain descend between your loins now?”

Dagger looks.

The chicken was really chewy.

Mid Life Attacks 3: The Sexual Agenda

So we were having dinner, and the topic was “getting it”.

The person sitting opposite me said: “I don’t know why I don’t get laid. I have big boobs and men like big boobs, don’t they?”

“I mean, I am smart, pretty and have big boobs”

“Maybe you just meet the right guys at the wrong time or the wrong guys at the right time,” I said.

“Well, meeting the wrong guys at the right time means you get fucked – without strings attached,” she retorted.

Nervous laughter at the table.

The conversation flowed like water on an endless stream with everyone giving his/her thoughts on modern day relationships. It elicited more nervous laughter.

And then the multi-million dollar questions: What is it with sex these days? Why is it so difficult for a single successful woman to get one good sex?

And though this particular dinner talk happened some days ago, the questions stuck into my naivete mind like acne on your prom.

Let us dissect it. What is it with sex these days? Let us look at my theories.

1. Men have evolved into higher beings. They don’t need sex to survive anymore. An intellectual pursuit is more important than hormonal ejaculations.

2. There is a shift in the sexual paradigm. Men are not interested in women these days. They become more interested in career, because it gives them the adrenaline boost they truly deserve. Sure, they suffer from wet dreams but it is nothing that a sheet can wipe. Career can be everlasting.

3. Men are now interested in men. With the advent of male beauty products, men see themselves as God’s beautiful creatures. Quoting Robbie Williams from his song Supreme: " and all the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay..."

4. Men have learned auto-eroticism.

5. Women are more successful than men in most field that this disintegrates the two things men value: self-esteem and erection.

6. There is a sexual hole (like the black hole – not the one you're thinking of, but the one in outer space), that women warp into and once they are there, they can’t get out.

And so should we have this talk again at dinner and sex comes up as an appetizer, I will put forth my theories. I'll get dagger-looks. You know, the kind of looks from people when Einstein presented the theory of relativity. Or maybe not.

Maybe I’ll present my findings on the next world psychiatric forum.