The Ultimate Crisis

i had my first three gray hairs yesterday pulled out. i thought i am invincible, eternally young, pure but seeing those three measly gray hairs made me realized how mortal i could be!

at the end of my 30's i proudly say that despite the thining hairline (which could be remedied by sporting a short hair cut and wearing caps), i never have had gray hairs. despite my pun of my every growing belly, i have always maintained a size 31-32 waist line. and despite of my little fuck ups here and there, i boast of my very sharp memory, and an occasionally acidic wit.

anyways, there we were in the clinic, on a sunny but dusty manipuri afternoon that while bending over some charts that needed reviewing, someone noticed that i have gray hairs. and like a scene in a movie, i dropped the files and asked for a mirror. khaipu who was there en route to shalom hospice, volunteered to pull them out. sad, but that is minus three out of my 120, 459 head hairs left.

after clinic, i headed to the array of pharmacies outside of the district hospital to look for a hair dye. as i was about to purchase one, i remembered how vain it would be for me to jump at this sad thought! i smiled at the sales person and asked for alprazolam instead. i may have gray hairs, but tonight, i shall be sleeping fine.

and looking closely at it, i may look nice with gray hairs. wisdom personified. watch out george clooney.

Midnight Ramblings

it's 12:52 am and i can't sleep. i seemed to have slept too much this afternoon, trying to nurse my hang over. now, my adrenaline is way beyond the meter and i have no means of stopping it. let me look again as to what i took for my freaking head ache: 2 cups of double esspreso, a mug of brewed coffee, several mugs of tea, 3 bottles of yakult (yes... there is yakult in defence colony market in delhi), 2 grams of paracetamol (i have allergies to ibuprofen) and a liter of coke.

oddly, with the serene surroundings (odd for defence colony) and with a tolerable internet speed, i have browsed, chatted, uploaded pics and read "histories" from philippine dailies. and yes, my dear... i did not browse porn pages. and oddly too, that i seemed to have lost interest looking at these (porn) pages. i must be really getting old... but certainly not religious.

going back to the philippine news, i just learned that: a) francis magalona died of leukemia b) jolina separated from her boyfriend (did you know about this chito???) and c) i missed a lot of showbiz scandals! it seems like this is not THE me telling you this but then i was away for almost a year now and hadn't had the opportunity to look at local showbiz news. anyways, nothing's lost -- i am going home this july.

so here i am typing the hours away hoping for the sand fairy to come and bring me to Noddywinks. good this is sunday...

okay bring in the news boy (abunda)....

A New Crisis: Drone Days

I have been staring at the monitor for the past ten minutes now. Really.

My mind's been all over the place lately and I can't pin down one thought, much less an idea so I can start jotting down things. There were a lot of events which happened, by the way, this week. We celebrated the World AIDS day with a lot of hype and fun, we had a party for staff who were leaving the project, and --- after so many weeks of being here in Manipur, I was at last, able to climb the prayer mountain. I had sex. That of course, would depend on how one would define sex, but in my own little vocabulary, I had sex.

I would have written about any of those things, but I can't. Now, I am capitalizing on my mediocrity. You say funny, but I think it is pathetic! I know I am not Hemingway or Capote, even the court joker for that matter, but for someone who loves to write, this is un heard of!

I woke up this morning fine --- having slept for more than 9 hours (I sleep for only 4-5 hours daily, FYI). I woke up good, even making myself some nice omelet and instant coffee (I would have loved to have brewed coffee, but I was a bit lazy). I went to church thereafter. I became bored with what the priest was saying so I ended up toying with my thing --- my mobile. I left the church even before the communion and wandered about town singing to Macy Gray on my ipod.

I was walking and singing with a little rain on my face, a draft here and there - Macy Gray booming "I try"on the phones.

Is this the moment I am dreading? The moment of wanton emptiness? The thoughtless hours spent moaning on things I could have written and said? Am I becoming a bee, a drone, a zombie, a lemming?

Are things becoming so routinely sick?

I need to get out of here then!

Groaning like a sick goat, I lounge for the computer and started looking at the screen. I didn't have the epiphany - I was far from that, but I was able to type things down. Not much, but it was a start.

I know you want me to talk about me having sex and all, but I won't. I am not the kiss and tell sorts. The kiss maybe, but definitely not the tell type. Not if you buy me beer. Loads of that! I have the belly to spare now, because I seemed to have lost some waist size (Yep.... I am down to size 30 from size 34!!! Eat your heart out Jackie Lou Blanco!). A feat I believe worthy of more beer!

Successfully, I was able to get throught the void and was able to make this whimsical nonsense. I don't know if Hemmingway had the same issues as I had. Writing I mean. Not some other things like fishing or sex.

The thing is I finished this post for the heck of writing one and aint that great?

I am here to stay. Now.

Mid Life Attacks 6: Raving At Religion

It is Sunday in Manipur, India. And while half of the world is either sleeping or partying, here I am reluctantly trying to drag my sagging butt to the toilet. I need to have a quick shower - a task worthy of the "Believe -it-or-not"docu, because the water is freezing. Honestly, you just need to open the tap to thaw whatever hot desires you have.

Manipur,especially here in Churchandpur district, is about 90% Christian. Judging from its name "Church-and-poor", has had a commonality with a lot of missions. Hence Sunday, became a day of obligation. The first thing they asked me when I arrived, was my religion. Now, if I was being honest to myself, I would have said a non-practicing-Catholic-but-can-memorize-all-the-passages-of-the mass. But then, the nice guy in me said: Catholic. Rather proudly, I think.

And so it was that on every God given day, my staff has been asking me to go to the church with any of them. And I have been successful so far. I have said on different occasions that I had a cough, on one occasion that I had a head ache, on another occasion that I had diarrhea and recently, I said I had a testicular pain. I am running out of reasons and this poor guy came to me last Friday during clinic and asked me in a loud voice, that half of the population would hear: "How is your pain on your testicle?"I did not say anything but moved my head in an unconvincing manner -- meaning okay. "So you can go to church with me on Sunday, then?"

I smiled and said : "Why the hell not?"

Lesson number 1: Thou shalt not lie. If you lie, be consistent about it.

This morning, I have had to search for an illness deep within my medical crevices but just couldn't come up with a likely condition. Well, I said yes and so I have to suffer the morning cold!

Lesson number 2: Thou shalt not commit to anybody anything you don't want to do. If you do, have alternative plans and have an escape route.

The water in the toilet, as I have said is freaking cold and as I washed my hair and you know whats, I shouted God's name in vain! Not once but several times -- and I also involved all the members of His family! Not a very way to start when you are meeting your maker in this small building within the next 30 minutes.

As I was putting on warm clothes (after the shower of course), my phone rang (yes, Norie, we do have networks here). It was my staff member. He wanted to know if it's okay for me to meet his cousin. I smiled, because I saw her before as she brought him lunch to the clinic - and she was the younger and fuller version of Ina Raymundo (remember her, Chito?).

And while I splashed myself with liters of Clinique Happy, I thought that God, must be indeed on my side.

Lesson number 3: Thou shalt not be afraid to take risks. Who knows, it might just be your day. And with God present in His house, anything is possible.

And with that, I am off to church.

Mid Life Attacks 5: Sexual Closure

It was a long Saturday afternoon and the sun had been painfully hot. All of us were sitting in the balcony where every now and then, a breeze would come. I was reading Haruki Murakami's Wild Sheep Chase with a beer in one hand. The rest were just lounging around, wasting time.

"I decided I am going to be celibate while I am here," she said.

This is my friend from Ethiopia making a conclusion. She was having a hard time adjusting to her new surroundings - the desert and the endless sky, plus the hot whiff of air in the afternoons. Of course, the donkeys are not helping either.

"For me to survive in a desperate setting like this, I would have to concentrate on work," she continued. "Maybe I'll have to take up a new hobby"

"That's a good idea. I have some poster paints and paper, if you are interested in painting..." I volunteered.

"I have some knick knacks if you want to make bracelets and necklaces. " said the nurse from the other project who came for a visit.

"Let's go shopping," said another.

"Thanks, but I decided I will try gardening..." she retorted.

"That is very good. You not only entertain yourself but you give something back to the earth." I said. "I find gardening to be very rewarding." I know because I have several pots of herbs growing outside of my window, several pots of flowers and cacti on the balcony - an effort I started a couple of months ago.

"What sort of plants will you be planting?" Asked someone.

"Oh, you know... those long things. Eggplants, cucumbers, gourds. Long things."

Oh, oh... Freudian slip.

We fell silent. I started to bury my head into the book I was reading, secretly hoping that dinner would not be eggplant.

Beam me up, Scottie.

Mid Life Attacks 4: Guiltless Sex

And so it was that the topics during dinner, wander not far from the usual talks of sex and relationships. I could have sworn that the chillis and the pepper in the Manipuri food could have caused the super hot discussions. Of course it does not dwell on sex per se, but hovers around it. Funny, because since we started on talking about basically anything with relation to sex, I kind of looked forward to dinner!

I remember one particular conversation with a friend, whilst I was in Ethiopia. She's young and smart and just so happened that, she finished a relationship before coming for a mission.

“It’s not just about sex, you know,” my friend started. “It’s about having an intimate contact with someone you care for, someone you love.”

Uh-hm. I tried to swallow my food hard and fast coz this was the first time I have heard her talk about sex....

“Of course, it’s inevitable that sometimes you meet someone hot and zing! Morals aside, you find yourself in bed with this guy you don’t even know who,” she continued.

“What do you mean inevitable?” Asked someone from the far end.

“You know, hot guy + alcohol, or not so-hot guy + alcohol and more alcohol, equals sex. Guiltless sex”

“And this happens every time?”

“Not really…Like once a week when I’m in Europe.”

It was here that I interjected. In between munching the chicken and saying a point, I waved my hand like I wanted the teacher to notice me.

“If it’s not about sex and it’s about having an intimate contact with the one you love, then what is this about alcohol and hot guy thing, coz you have, definitely --- lost me there!” I said.

Quiet.

“If you truly care for your partner, then just the mere act of kissing someone would give you a bazonka of guilt trip!” I added.

And then she said: “Shut up you fucking moron. I am trying to think here…”

I continued: “Did your brain descend between your loins now?”

Dagger looks.

The chicken was really chewy.

Mid Life Attacks 3: The Sexual Agenda

So we were having dinner, and the topic was “getting it”.

The person sitting opposite me said: “I don’t know why I don’t get laid. I have big boobs and men like big boobs, don’t they?”

“I mean, I am smart, pretty and have big boobs”

“Maybe you just meet the right guys at the wrong time or the wrong guys at the right time,” I said.

“Well, meeting the wrong guys at the right time means you get fucked – without strings attached,” she retorted.

Nervous laughter at the table.

The conversation flowed like water on an endless stream with everyone giving his/her thoughts on modern day relationships. It elicited more nervous laughter.

And then the multi-million dollar questions: What is it with sex these days? Why is it so difficult for a single successful woman to get one good sex?

And though this particular dinner talk happened some days ago, the questions stuck into my naivete mind like acne on your prom.

Let us dissect it. What is it with sex these days? Let us look at my theories.

1. Men have evolved into higher beings. They don’t need sex to survive anymore. An intellectual pursuit is more important than hormonal ejaculations.

2. There is a shift in the sexual paradigm. Men are not interested in women these days. They become more interested in career, because it gives them the adrenaline boost they truly deserve. Sure, they suffer from wet dreams but it is nothing that a sheet can wipe. Career can be everlasting.

3. Men are now interested in men. With the advent of male beauty products, men see themselves as God’s beautiful creatures. Quoting Robbie Williams from his song Supreme: " and all the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay..."

4. Men have learned auto-eroticism.

5. Women are more successful than men in most field that this disintegrates the two things men value: self-esteem and erection.

6. There is a sexual hole (like the black hole – not the one you're thinking of, but the one in outer space), that women warp into and once they are there, they can’t get out.

And so should we have this talk again at dinner and sex comes up as an appetizer, I will put forth my theories. I'll get dagger-looks. You know, the kind of looks from people when Einstein presented the theory of relativity. Or maybe not.

Maybe I’ll present my findings on the next world psychiatric forum.

Think Thanks

I am touched.

I have never received as much emails as I did in the past two days... not the spams, not those nasty(!) porn pop ups, not the viagra ads or the increase your penis size ads. I received emails from friends! And I have had more than 80 visitors since I opened the blog.

Wait.... On the other hand that sounds a bit depressing. Does that mean that you guys also have the same crisis I have? hehe. Why not, most of us are almost on the same age (less) range. The fact is men are more prone to develop "crisis" than women. Yes, it is true that women loose their curves (most of them) after the third or fourth baby. Yes, it is true that women have temperaments like the weather because their hormones go bazonkas. Yes, it is true that women (in the Philippines, at least) find more meaningful things to do when they reach 30's and 40's: raising a teenage son/daughter alone coz she got pregnant when she was 15; enjoying the joys of shopping and travelling because she now owns her company; showing off a new pair of boobs or a washboard tummy thanks to her cosmetic surgeon; or they just involve themselves more with the local chapter of the Legion of Mary.

Men, on the other hand have to deal with the fact that by the time he reaches30, he would have lost half of his hair already. No toupees can cover the fact that your head appears like a landing strip in the midst of a jungle. Men also had to deal with the fact that they have been having the same position in the company for 15 years without having been promoted, or worst at woman with a Master's degree has seeped her way through the promotion ladder. And the worst part of this is the performance level behind the sheets. Of course that could now be remedied by Viagra, but would it be nice if you could rise to the occasion at the just the thought of sex?

It is actually a vicious cycle. Loss of self-esteem=doing stupid things=drinking alot of beer=doing stupid things=Loss of self-esteem. Thank God I am superior than this!

Of course, I have issues with my body. I was not blessed with a model frame so I look like an aging ewok in a teenager's body. I have age spots, beer belly, sagging neck and eyebags you can store coins in.

However, looking at some of my contemporaries, I felt I am blessed. I met an old friend from high school when I was in Iloilo once, and I couldn't recognize him.He was giving me the details as to how we have been in school together, copied (yes!) from me --- and then it occured to me that this is the high school bully! Well, look at you now -- big fat blob! We actually laughed about it - he'd better - I was treating him for beer that night.

I have had career questions but all vanished when I got totally immersed in the NGO work.

I have had love and relationship issues but I realized that with these good looks......

So when I learned that more than 80 of my friends (I don't know if I have that much friends) visited this blog, I felt touched and at home. I was actually hearing Regine's voice signing "You'll never walk alone" in the background.

And oh yeah, thanks for confirming that it is indeed pathetic to live up to this age without a partner.

Mid Life Crisis 2: Technology

I will be the first to say that I am a techno-gadget-freak. Whenever I travel, I would have an extra bag just for my gadgets: my laptop, my portable dvd/tv player, my psp, my sony ericsson mobile, my PDA, my samsung phones, my sony camera, portable speakers, my ipod touch, two sets of ear phones, portable sony ericsson modem and my blue tooth speakers.

I would drool whenever I see new gadgets on magazines. Literally.

However,I admit I am a total nincompoop when it comes to computer programs. Well maybe, I have reached techno-kindergarten so I'm a bit better that some persons. For two years now, I have carried with me my personal laptop whereever I go. I have found not only entertainment and convenience when I do reports, but sometimes it served as a sex partner (you know what I mean, don't you?). Not in the physical sense, but.... I don't think I need to elucidate.

I have been pursuing different interests lately -- facebook (yest I am on it and so is 2/3 of the whole world), and then this blog. I have started with facebook some months ago and have uploaded about 9 albums. I have been clicking images these past years and the hardest part of uploading photos to facebook is the selection of the pics! I spend more time debating which picture should be posted and which should be put on hold. It's like choosing a favorite among your children!

Faceboook is a nice way to look for long long lost friends and ignore people you don't like (who requested to be your friend). Click on the ignore button and voila! Goodbye pest!

Now this blog is a totally different thing for me. I bet my nephews would breeze through the set up gadgetry, although... they probably wouldn't be witty with words. Wink, wink.

When I started, I found it hard to choose templates and colors and fonts to best represent myself, my thoughts and sentiments. I want to find something loud but not too noisy, something mature but also has the spirit of youth. It was a hard choice between the basic black and the earthy green. In the end green won --- green thoughts?

I also found it hard to choose the items and gadgets to be placed on the side bars. I don't know what adsense is, nor the techno-stuff attached to this blog! I JUST WANT TO WRITE!!!!

Pics, I have no problems with. I have a chest load of good stuff and can easily find appropriate accompaniments to my posts.

So there. The downside of technology.

Okay. Gotta stop here. I am accompanying a friend to buy his first Black Berry.

Temptations. It's like being a poor orphan in a candy shop.

How I do turn this thing off?