Mid Life Attacks 3: The Sexual Agenda

So we were having dinner, and the topic was “getting it”.

The person sitting opposite me said: “I don’t know why I don’t get laid. I have big boobs and men like big boobs, don’t they?”

“I mean, I am smart, pretty and have big boobs”

“Maybe you just meet the right guys at the wrong time or the wrong guys at the right time,” I said.

“Well, meeting the wrong guys at the right time means you get fucked – without strings attached,” she retorted.

Nervous laughter at the table.

The conversation flowed like water on an endless stream with everyone giving his/her thoughts on modern day relationships. It elicited more nervous laughter.

And then the multi-million dollar questions: What is it with sex these days? Why is it so difficult for a single successful woman to get one good sex?

And though this particular dinner talk happened some days ago, the questions stuck into my naivete mind like acne on your prom.

Let us dissect it. What is it with sex these days? Let us look at my theories.

1. Men have evolved into higher beings. They don’t need sex to survive anymore. An intellectual pursuit is more important than hormonal ejaculations.

2. There is a shift in the sexual paradigm. Men are not interested in women these days. They become more interested in career, because it gives them the adrenaline boost they truly deserve. Sure, they suffer from wet dreams but it is nothing that a sheet can wipe. Career can be everlasting.

3. Men are now interested in men. With the advent of male beauty products, men see themselves as God’s beautiful creatures. Quoting Robbie Williams from his song Supreme: " and all the best women are married, all the handsome men are gay..."

4. Men have learned auto-eroticism.

5. Women are more successful than men in most field that this disintegrates the two things men value: self-esteem and erection.

6. There is a sexual hole (like the black hole – not the one you're thinking of, but the one in outer space), that women warp into and once they are there, they can’t get out.

And so should we have this talk again at dinner and sex comes up as an appetizer, I will put forth my theories. I'll get dagger-looks. You know, the kind of looks from people when Einstein presented the theory of relativity. Or maybe not.

Maybe I’ll present my findings on the next world psychiatric forum.