Rueing at Resolutions

Redefining life for a purpose?

When I was in the fourth grade, I did a Bart Simpson. My seatmate, Esmeraldo, who happened to be the shortest guy in the class (yes, there were people shorter than me) was teasing me with the certified up and coming bitch (I don’t know a better word, sorry) classmate. He was claiming that I “wanted” to feel her up and kiss her. That corrupted me. In my young and innocent mind, I retorted that maybe he “wanted” to do “IT” with the girl. I said the word IT in the local dialect, which is not so sexy. And of course, not so right. The teacher heard it and punished me by filling the board with: “I will not speak bad words again”. The teacher, who was a former nun running after Mother Theresa, called the principal, the department head and my mother. Hell was no punishment for a fourth grader who said fuck in his dialect. This was.

I thought about this now funny episode in my ordinary life when I was asked what my New Year resolutions are. I don’t really make them, because I believe in doing things on a day to day basis. That way, I could monitor my tasks and responsibilities, plus I could correct mistakes right there and then.

But then, after giving it some thoughts, I realized that I have to redefine my goals. I have been moaning and groaning over a couple of things for the past year and I haven’t really done anything about them. (Cue in Eric Clapton’s Change the World into the background, please.)Well, Esmeraldo, eat your heart out because this is the most comprehensive list of New Year’s resolutions you will ever see:

1. I will reduce my alcohol intake – and will only drink the following: beer, champagne, gin, rum, whisky, wine and vodka ONE AT A TIME. I will not mix my drink so I will not have a freaking hang over the next day.

2. I will start investing money for the future. Problem is I don’t have money yet. Maybe when I make it to Fortune 500 or something.

3. I will try several positions in the Kama Sutra – as soon as I find someone who is limber enough. And of course, that goes without saying that I would be strong enough to carry and toss someone around.

4. I will exercise on a regular basis (I think this is the most difficult one to follow).

5. I will not swear (loudly) in front of everyone, especially in front of priests and nuns.

6. I promise that I will use prophylactics every time. Marie was freaked out when she read that I wanted to stay in THAT hotel in Ermita. She thought that it would be a brothel, and that I would indulge myself in wanton sexual abandon. Well, Ermita, indeed has a lot of brothels, but I wanted to stay at Eurotel because they give out free Crispy Pata for stays more than 8 hours. What is wrong with brothels serving crispy pata anyway?

7. I promise not to make fun of less perfect people. I know that life, for me, will not be fun, but I can survive. I will just make fun of their English.

8. I promise to buy better ear plugs so I won't have to wake up every 3 am when they play the church songs here in Manipur. I know that they are praising God, but hey, He becomes tired of listening to the same tuneless hymn every day!

9. I promise to try to contact friends regularly. I hope Jennifer Aniston replies also.

10. I promise not to make promises.

There. I have made my resolutions. I hope that this satisfies the good Bart in me. It is not a comeuppance, but more of whim. I have no intentions of redefining my life – how else would you know me then? Here's hoping for a prosperous year for all of us!